Category Archives: RANT

METAL PLATES AND MAXI SKIRTS.

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Okay, so this morning’s shopping haul was so much fun, I realised I had better blog about it before a) my brain explodes with excitement or, b) I forget. So, as a Hail Mary to both my excitement and lack of both long-term and short-term memory, let me share with you what I think should be staple for any girl’s wardrobe: Gold Belts and Maxi Skirts.

1. Giuliana Rancic in satin LBD paired with a Georges Chakra Couture belt and matching clutch 2. Gwyneth Paltrow in Stella McCartney black gown paired with gold metal belt 3. Paris Hilton in a beaded white and gold Basil Soda gown paired with metal belt (photos by Lester Cohen/WireImage)

LOOKBOOK'ER/BLOGGER: Fabulous style-minion, Willabelle O, rocking the look that I find the best way to put this belt to good use. Maxi, leopard print and Longchamp with a divine belt? OH YES!

THE MORE BELT, THE MERRIER: Colour-blocking with Willabelle. As you can kind of see, I love her. I mean, if only I dressed this well when I was 17...

So recently there has been a bit of a Style Rush for these wonders – a gold plate adhered with much candour to as belt of some form – a type of simplicity that I adore – that makes enough of a statement to declare: “I’m here!” without screaming “SLUT BELT!” – I’ll be using my score – the LAST S/M sized belt from Ally ($14.95) to give my assortment of black dresses a shiny punch and to give myself a little form while wearing maxis. I have to say this – although Paris Hilton isn’t my favourite person (okay, my LEAST favourite celebrity, I should say), she does rock this belt like there is no tomorrow.

BELTED, METAL TRIM BELT: $14.99 tax incl. in black, leopard, pink or tan. From Ally.

Oh yes, I want to buy all of the things.

LET’S PLAY A GAME: MATCH-UP

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This something I literally put together whilst staring listlessly at the computer screen on a dreary afternoon at work, being blasted by our extremely icy internal “heating”. Yes, I clearly had a lot to do today. I also have the amoebic beginnings of a migraine clouding my frontal lobe, so please excuse me while I chuff something fantastical out of my lyrical little skull.

This game is creatively labelled “Match Up” – the idea is to match-up and relate yourself to inanimate objects that you think up on the spot, or, in the case of both the bulldog clip and permanent marker, are things that you I am literally holding on to or staring me in the face. Yes, the bulldog clip was “staring me in the face”. I’m not mad.

JAYNE +

…A MINATURE GODZILLA FIGURE. I’ve always loved the idea of a monster apocalypse. No really, think American Godzilla (not Classic Godzilla) – a world is ripped apart by an over-sized lizard and we all scramble about frantically, trying to save ourselves and our loved ones from being squished by a large reptilian foot. I mean, THIS IS (clearly) A THING THAT MOVIES ARE MADE OF. I also came across sprawling piles of Godzilla merchandise while in Tokyo and, sadly enough did not pick up any – the one piece that I DID want to buy while I was there was a fantastic illustrated children’s story about Godzilla with an accompanying Godzilla hand puppet. I know, right, I must have temporarily lost my mind.

…A PERMANENT MARKER. I love permanent markers. I have a feeling this is fueled by my love of leaving my mark on anything I pass by. I have a Sharpie in permanent residence in my bag and I take joy in showing it to people, like some sort of graffiti-ing delinquent. Just an FYI, I’m not one of those hilarious individuals that leave comically large male genitalia imprinted on public restroom cubicles. I’m far too classy for that.

…A BOOK. Books are the life blood of me – and I love them to bits. Only in books can you find the best metaphors. Only in books can you intellectualise words into feelings*. Only in books can I pretend I am intelligent. Also, books like To Kill A Mockingbird have defined who I am today. I’m not joking. It really has.

…A HORRIBLE DISEASE. My life is a horrible disease – like a pox, I have a tendency to stick around. And be itchy. I guess that’s part of the reason why I love taking a camera to the most insignificant of events. I’m ALLOWED to be there because I’m the CAMERA GIRL. See, much like a virus, I’m there, not exactly liked per se, but at least it (I) got you out of work today.

…A COFFEE. I am very much associated to coffee. I pretty much drink as much coffee as you are led to believe. I drink A LOT of coffee. Most of what I write up is written by actual coffee dregs from the bottom of my comically artistic ampersand mug. No really, Google changes the poop-coloured stains into legible words. Haven’t you tried using Google Translate** recently?

…A NYAN CAT. Apart from being one of the very many happy owners of the NYAN CAT ringtone, I do actually find this tune incredibly addictive, a little moronic and highly annoying. Why do I keep it on as my ringtone, you may ask? Simply because the tune is so bone-shatteringly embarrassing, that when it does blare through my bag, I frantically rush to find a way to make the blasted thing stop NYANING. That’s right, I require a Ringtone of Shame to compel me to pick up my bloody phone.

…A BULLDOG CLIP. Apart from this literally being in front of me at the time of publication, I’m going to make it a metaphor. Yes, a metaphor. I’m very original. Okay, so metaphor with a bulldog clip…okay kids, better watch your step when you stand up because Jayne is going to drop an epic speech: “So you’ve known me for some time now and are still reading this ridiculous drivel that I try to pass off as credible Twenty-Something-Ish-Life-Crisis-Blog – well folks, this is where I have to say you and me are jammed together in the bulldog clip of the internet. That’s right; I blame the internet for this freak intersection of our lives. Somehow you’ve been led to believe that what I say is fascinating. Possibly, someone told you that there would be cake. The cake is a lie. But you know what, like a bulldog clip, sometimes you cling to it so hard to these lies/cake/my drivel that it leaves an imprint on the legal pad that is your life. This metaphor has now lost all meaning. I’m going over there to drool in the corner.”

…A PIE. Do you know anyone who does not love pie? If you do, they should probably be killed, stuffed and placed on a wall as a monument to stupidity.

*Other than poetry. I do not like poetry.
**This is a lie.

PS. These pictures were drawn by me. Yeah, I know right, I’m special.

VS. A JOURNAL OF CHOICES.

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I bought this book at the Borders Administration Sale thinking to myself: “WOW, WHAT A FANTASTICAL IDEA.”* Well, truth be told, I actually thought: “WOW, THE COVER OF THIS IS BRIGHT YELLOW. I LIKE YELLOW.” Yeah, I know, I’m not exactly the Asiatic female reincarnation of Einstein. So, the question is, what is this book that Jayne is rudely harping on about and why has the not really introduced it to us before implanting her mind with her mindless gaggling. Well, kids, this book exposes the importance of decision making. Really, it does.

For the record, I don’t mean decision making in the “Am I wasting my life?” way. I mean decision making in the “Barbecue VS High Tea” way or the “Nirvana VS Pearl Jam” way. This hard-covered-tome possesses two hundred illustrated face-offs of psychological import, insightful interpretations, and plenty of writing room for contemplation.** Apparently, one is supposed to attain a level of self-awareness that one could never achieve if left to our own devices. An added bonus to help scratch the algae of the sides of our brains is that one can then FLIP THE PAGE UPSIDE DOWN to identify the underlying significance of our decision between the two ultimatums. Reading this catchy blurb, I decided to myself: “HELL, WHY NOT?” and also, the yellow thing I noted before. I’m really digging mustard yellow this season.



From the very moment we wake up/roll out of bed/vomit on our bedside tables, we are rudely confronted with a staggering number of options. Do we gulp down tea or coffee when we emerge zombie-like into the light? Do we first visit the lavatory to evacuate our bowels or do we shower? Do we brush our teeth in the sink or brush them while we shower (like barbarians)? So many of our morning’s choices impact on what outcomes we attain for the day’s entirety. For example, those who make the barbaric decision to brush their teeth whilst in the shower manage to smell minty fresh, while at the same time knowing that they are disgusting human beings.

So here’s an exciting leap into questioning my mind. You folk are also invited along for the ride – feel free to participate in my madness – as madness shared, is madness halved.

NERD VS. JOCK

As one of the Nerd community, I would have to go with … NERDS ALL THE WAY. This is not an unexpected choice as pretty much everyone I know is a nerd in some respect, as much as they would like to deny it. There are the sparse few who still believe that the term “Nerd” is derogatory. I choose to believe these sparse few were either brought up by reality television (Snookie and that guy with who keeps on pointing to his abs and calling them “The Situation”) or are a few neurons short of actual brain lobes. Strangely enough, the family of nerds that I congregate with are not specifically physically incapable – in fact, many of them indulge in roistering social lives that, at times, includes participation in physical exertion in the form of basketball, soccer, bowling and/or rock-climbing. And yes, I have to admit, sometimes it’s a round of boxing on Wii Sports, but if the glasses fit, the stereotype must be worn with pride.

I’ve never been a fan of jocks. Then again, I’ve never actually had to converse with a FULL ON JOCK. This is as, on the rare occasion that I was in the room with one, I didn’t know what to say and I purposely spilt a drink on my dress so I could politely excuse myself and then promptly run away.

UPSIDE DOWN ANALYSIS || NERD: Tendency towards obsessiveness; latent athletic abilities. JOCK: Proclivity toward athletic prowess; market populist sympathies.

DISCLAIMER: I have not been, nor ever will be, coerced into writing this for Knock Knock or Who’s There Inc. Yes, I know, disclaimers are supposed to appear at the beginning of the post. So sue me.***

* For the record, yes I do think it capslock. It makes things in my head seem more shouty and therefore, more dramatic.
** Literally their words, not mine.
*** Don’t. I’m poor.